Five years. Five long, lonely, incredibly painful years without my darling brother. It does not seem possible that grief has gripped us for this long. It feels like yesterday I heard his voice and his laugh, drank in his smile, delighted in his wit and humor, enjoyed new music he recommended. Tonight, I will be on a plane to Brazil, thoughts and memories of Amir keeping me company for those long hours across dark skies. I wish so badly I could enjoy things fully and freely the way I once did, but it is still incredibly difficult to do so without him. 
My immediate family has not celebrated Thanksgiving since Amir's death and I don't know if we will again. I've made an effort to travel this week each year, often with Yael. In 2016, we celebrated Amir in Italy. Last year, we lit a candle in Prague. This year, we'll be together in Brazil. Traveling on such a painful anniversary is bittersweet and joyous and somewhat of a relief - it reminds me that I must continue to live and learn and explore new worlds and embark on adventures because Amir cannot. In many ways, I see travel and exploration as compulsory elements of my grief process.Five unbearably long years without Amir. I continue to grieve for him every single day, but I am so grateful I have the freedom and opportunity to explore the world, a chance Amir never had in his short life. I love you and miss you tremendously every day, my darling brother.
My heart breaks for you and for your family. I wish I could erase your pain. Please know I am thinking of you, Ayelet. You are not alone in what I know as well as you, to be grief without end. Perhaps this is the price we pay for having brothers who were that special in our lives. I will keep you in my prayers, sending love, hugs and strength. Please travel safely and bring back enriching memories, that feed your soul and that you will share when you return. Love, d
ReplyDelete