September 26, 2015

Cool Morning

It's finally feeling like autumn here. This chilly morning, I reached for Amir's green hoodie to warm myself up and a flood of emotions came pouring over me. The hoodie doesn't smell like Amir but I can visualize him in it and it comforts me and tears at my heart all at once. I have been missing him horribly these past few weeks. Losing Jason has made Amir's death more painful and real to me in many ways, even though some days I find I'm so lost in thoughts of Jason that I don't think of Amir for hours on end. The two of them battling for space in my mind, pulling my emotions in two different directions, leaving me confused and spent--I can almost imagine them enjoying torturing me.

Music destroys me and makes me fucking nuts. So many songs remind me of each of them and there are few overlapping, which makes three-quarters of my music collection unlistenable. So, I turn to streaming music and I still get punched in the face. This morning, it was Elliott Smith, whom Amir and I both adored and who Amir related to in ways I never could. I remember talking at length with Amir after Elliott's death. Amir had five more years of life than Elliott did.

Last night, on my commute home, it was Radiohead. Neither Amir nor Jason shared my complete love of Radiohead, but they both appreciated the band's brilliance and significance. Whenever they released a new album, Jason and I would listen to it and appreciate it together, while Amir and I would talk about how they remain so relevant after all these years.

Losing my two closest friends on this planet so close together has left me feeling so lost that some days it's all I can do to remember my own name. I ache to talk to them. I ache to hold Jason one more time, to kiss him and embrace him and hold his hand. I dread the future in many ways, knowing neither of them will be a part of it except in my heart and memory. I never realized how much of grief is about dreading the future. Because of how I've grieved for Amir and how I miss him more now than ever, I know my grief for Jason is not going to get easier with time. The reality may sink in more and the day-to-day pain may lessen, but as the days and months keep passing without them, I find myself more and more distraught that they are not here and so very angry at the universe for taking them when we need them here so badly.

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